1. You don't have to hide your golfing magazines."

2. It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to golf with you once in a while.

3. The Ten Commandments don't say anything about golf.

4. If you partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the internet if you become famous.

5. Your golf partner doesn't get upset about people you golfed with long ago.            

6.It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.

7.When you see a really good golfer, you don't need to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.

8. If your regular golfing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.

9. Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.                                   Back to Top

10. When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

11. You can have a golf calendar on the wall at your office, tell golfing jokes and invite coworkers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.

12. There are no  golfing-transmitted diseases.

13. If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

14. Nobody expects you to golf with the same partner for the rest of your life.

15. Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in it.

16. Your golf partner will never say, "Not again? We just played last week! Is golf all you ever think about?"

Golf Quotes  

1.  Winston Churchill:  "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture."  

2.  Jack Benny:  "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf."  

3.  Lee Trevino:  "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives.  Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work."  

4   Unknown . "Golf is not a game, it's  bondage.  It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins."  

5.  Hank Aaron:  "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."  

6.  Lee Trevino:  "Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course."  

7.  Lee Trevino:  "I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced."  

8.  Sam Snead:  "These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow."  

9.  Paul Harvey:  "Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five."  

10.  Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern players:  "They throw their clubs backwards and sideways, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it."  

11.  Tommy Bolt:  "Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet."  

12.  Jimmy Demaret:  "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at."  

13.  Jack Lemmon:  "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."      Back to Top 

14.  Lee Trevino:  "If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron.  Not even God can hit a 1-iron."  

15.  Unknown:  "Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan.  Today it's called the PGA Tour."  

16.  John Updike:  "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the  child.  Just how childlike golf players become is proven by  their frequent inability to count past five."  

17.  "Silk Stockings" TV Show:  "The people who gave us golf  and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes  and called it music."  

18.  Gerald Ford:  "I would like to deny all allegations by  Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."  

19.  P.G. Wodehouse:  "The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows."  

20.  Bob Hope:  "If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast.  If God wants to play through, let him."  

21.  Ken Harrelson:  "In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the centre-field fence.  Nobody cares.  In golf everything has got to be right over second base."  

22.  Chi Chi Rodriguez:  "The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous  I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life."  

23.  Chi Chi Rodriguez:  "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me  to play on the American golf tour.  Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."  

24.  Tommy Bolt, toward the end of one of his infamous high-volume, tempermental, club-throwing rounds, asked his caddie for a club recommendation for a shot of about 155 yards. His caddie said:  "I'd say either a 3-iron or a wedge, sir."  
"A  3- iron or  a wedge?" asked Bolt. "What kind of stupid, #*!~%^* choice is that?" "Those are the only two clubs you have left in the your bag, sir." said the caddie.  

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This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at St. Andrews, and finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they teed off and he proceeded to play the best game of his life. After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par, and was on cloud nine. On the back, he started playing even better, even getting an eagle on the 16th hole.

He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th tee, and as he walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a small shack used by the groundskeepers.

Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy came up to him and said, "Sir, this may sound like a tough shot, but if  you put it through that window, the ball should go through the window on the other side, and if you're lucky, the ball will roll onto the green. The way you've played today. I think you can make it."

So the guy takes a look and sees that it's a tough shot, but possible, so he tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hits the window frame, and strikes his wife right in the head, killing her instantly.

Years go by and the man can't forget that horrible day.  People he tells the story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will to live.  But then he realizes what he must do - Face his nightmare!

He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at St. Andrews, and miraculously, he is playing another stellar game.  He starts to feel better about himself as the round goes on, but when he approaches the 17th hole, he gets so nervous that he slices his shot to the same damned spot.

As he stares at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says, "Sir, the way you've been playing, why not try a trick shot? Some of the other caddies say if you can get it through that window, it will follow through the one opposite it and roll onto the green."

The guy says, "Are you out of your @#%^^ mind? The last time I tried that I double-bogied."
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A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf.
You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered" 
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A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3
The priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?" 
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down." 
  --------------------------------------------------------
An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer.
After a bad tee shot, he played a Mulligan" which was an extremely good one.
He then asked the Scot, "What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?"
We call it hitting 3." 
----------------------------------------------------
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective! asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."
------------------------------------------------------------------- 
A golfer gets up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back,
hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St.Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?",
to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?" 

-------------------------------------------------------------------
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his
golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"?
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

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Riders

Four 9-holers went into the pro shop after playing 9 holes of golf.

The pro asked, "Did you ladies have a good game today?"

The first 9-holer said, "Yes, I had three riders today."

The second 9-holer said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."

The third 9-holers said, "had seven riders, the same as last time."

The last 9-holer said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today."

After they went to the locker room, another golfer who had heard the 9-holers talking about their game went to the
 pro and said, "I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's
a rider?"

The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."

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The Game of Golf

                   Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies...obscured by the
occasional miracle...followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf!  You hit down to make the ball go up.  You swing left and the ball goes right. 

 The lowest score wins.  Swing easy.  Hit hard. And on top of that, the winner buys the
drinks.

"Golf is harder than baseball.  In golf, you have to play your foul balls."

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always
possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure.  One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it;
hit into all the traps; and miss every green. 
The next day you go out, and for no reason at all, you really stink.

I play in the low 80s.  If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might
wish to reconsider this game.

Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the
level you've reached.... after you've reached it.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage:  If you take yourself too seriously it won't work ..
and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.

If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough than you actually have lost,
your focus is totally wrong....and your personality might not be right for golf. 
It is also just a matter of time before the IRS investigates your business.

Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?

"The greatest sound in golf is the Woosh, Woosh, Woosh, of your opponent's club...
as he hurls it across the fairway"

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Rule 1. a. Ball hooked or sliced into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to
the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized fo
uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.

Rule 2.d.6.(b) A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hi the tree. this is simply bad luck and luck has
no place in a scientific game. The player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not
hit the tree and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.b.3 (g) There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually
 be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by
charging him or herself with a penalty.

Rule 4.a.7 If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity
supersedes the law of golf.

Rule 5. Putts that stop close enough to the hole to be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than
three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Rule 6.a.9.(k) There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf club owners bought sufficient
 land, this would not occur.  The golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7.g.15 (z) There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. That they do not is a
technical problem that manufacturers need to correct. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturer's
shortcomings.

Rule 8.d.19.(q) There is no penalty for a ball going into a canyon on desert courses. This is a technical problem
and when the golf manufacturers retire, they will correct this manufacturing defect.

Rule 9.k.9 (s) Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes, etc.
Since this is financially impractical for the average Senior Golfer, 1/2 a stroke per hole may be subtracted for using
old equipment.

These new rules may allow me to break 100.....                                                                                   Back to Top

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Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
(especially after a lesson...)

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or
two more balls.

If you are afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still
putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait
until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled a player, the more likely she is to share her ideas about the golf swing.

No matter how badly you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical
unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt ..... for an 8.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting
him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

It's not a gimme if you're still away.                                                                     Back to Top

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that
passes through the center of a very large tree.

There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to
play it.

You can hit a 2 acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% if the time.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much younger age.

The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, the fourth bad shot is actually the first of the
next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the
moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogies to
restore fundamental equilibrium to the universe.

If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay-up to a water hazard.

There are two things that you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and
checking your hands: how many hands you have and which one is wearing the glove.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on a ball, but no golfer can put a
straight on the ball.

A ball you can see in the rough from fifty yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both
balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.                                                     Back to Top
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Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his
voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther
down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and
I just play the ball toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than
$10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm for that! When would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."                                                                                                                  Back to Top

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